“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.” Phil 2:3-4
This time of COVID is a time when we all feel out of control. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you I have controlling tendencies. If you ask them in front of me, I will deny it profusely. My rationales will be, “I am not controlling; I am a solution seeker. If someone else would take control before a disaster happens, I would certainly not have to be in control.” The truth is, I had a chaotic childhood which embedded in me the need for order and control. This is not a bad thing, actually, as long as it is used in the right way. God always makes good on His promises, and for me, He has brought good from the harm intended by my enemy, Satan.
I have learned to recognize some of the common signs when I am practicing unhealthy control, along with the flip side of how I can release control and still seek solutions. I hope, through my experiences, you may see some similarities that will be beneficial to you.
Controlling – You will manipulate the situation and people to get the outcome you have in mind.
Releasing – If you are the only one to see the best outcome, then you do not have enough eyes on the situation. Once you have come together with the others involved, with an agreed-upon outcome, then you need to let go of the responsibility of others and just monitor activities occasionally to ensure the agreed-upon outcomes are being met.
Controlling – You will judge others on how they are doing tasks, even if the results will be what you requested.
Releasing – You need to keep your eyes on the outcome and the deadlines, not the details of the tasks assigned. Set up a reporting system that works to keep the other person responsible and accountable for their own tasks.
Controlling – Loving with conditions. For example, “If you are kind to Mommy, I will love you.” This is using guilt as a tool.
Releasing – Anyone who does exactly as you ask will never feel the love you have to offer. A person without freedom of choice is a slave. Do not attach love to an action. You will be disappointed more often than not.
Controlling – Overreacting to the slightest issues at hand.
Releasing – It is mentally and physically draining to live in a reactive world. Most times, these reactions will be a clue that you need some rest and that you are under too much pressure.
Controlling – Pretending to listen to others’ input and then doing it your way.
Releasing – Truly listening to others is the biggest step in letting go of control. It is a sign that you want to work with others, but most of all, that you are mending your core control issue, which is trust.
Controlling – “I can fix that! If you want something done right, do it yourself.”
Releasing – Realizing your way is not always the right way is a real step to releasing control. There are three ways of doing something: your way, my way, and God’s way. Always take it to prayer to know the outcome you genuinely want is God’s desire. Then help the person you are coaching to learn the steps to complete the task well. Encourage them along the way and commend them at the end. You know how it feels when you have done something with excellence; let them feel that from you.
Controlling – Rescuing people can also be a control issue.
Releasing – If you are rescuing people, it is plain and simple; you are taking over God’s position. You can always lead them to a solution by giving them contact names and numbers or sharing a testimony of how you achieved success. But it is everyone’s position in life to decide what to do for themselves and to walk it out.
When you start to come out of this place of control, you will find, as I have, there are many gifts on the other side – most of all, strong and abundant relationships.
Remember this: your thoughts, actions, and words are the only ones you can control, and only with God’s help!
